Discordia Arts Dance Challenge Entry

Journal prompt: How does dancing in public make me feel? Does it matter if there are people dancing with me, if I'm on a stage or not, or if it's a structured performance or not, or whether I am in costume? Does the type of audience or group surrounding me make a difference to the way I feel when I dance in public?

Dancing in public evokes very complicated feelings within me. I am not a performer. I could be, someday, but for now I am doing well to remember the choreography during a performance and paste some type of non-terrified look onto my face. One of my favorite pictures of myself dancing was taken at the Boom Boom Shake performance. However, I don't share it. It shows me truly carefree with a happy smile on my face while performing. It was a wonderful moment. But it is also unflattering because it makes me look like I have a double chin, which I do not, so the self-critical part of me keeps it hidden away. Most people are their own harshest critics but I am particularly ruthless and a slight misstep or blemish that nobody notices or cares about will send me into a self-critical assassination of myself. I walk a complex line in life and in dance.

I always feel torn at the prospect of dancing in public. On one hand I thoroughly enjoy dancing, especially in costume with others. I want to be part of the whole experience. I am proud of what I do and excited that I do it. On the other hand I am terrified of failure and embarrassment so I work through it and miss enjoying the moment. I also have body issues so I am embarrassed to be seen in costumes. To quote the now-defunct band Trendy, "I've got less confidence than prostitutes at church on Sunday". These work together and create apprehension while dancing in social settings as well. I'm not likely to let loose and just dance at an event. I feel awkward, like I don't know what to do and I don't want to be judged. I have the tools on my tool box, and I know how to dance, I just don't know which ones to pull out when and am afraid to choose wrong. Improvisation is foreign to me and I have no idea how to learn how to do it. At home, my constant criticism of myself stops me from really letting loose on too many occasions.

I have found that I need a security blanket at this point in my dance journey. That blanket is a group. I do particularly well with a group of friends that I dance most of the time with. I also do better with an audience that is separated from me. I'm here on this stage and you're down there, away from me. That works for me. Intimate settings are unnerving. People that know how to dance unnerve me more because they know when I screw something up. I feel safer dancing to a blind audience on a stage. Yet, I strive to become the dancer that lives in the moment and wants to dance to other dancers, close together. I have a long journey ahead of me.